In our society, intimate partner violence is often only presented in cisgender, heterosexual relationships. But the reality is, intimate partner violence doesn’t discriminate. Instead, it also affects same-gender relationships and other relationships within the LGBTQ2S+ community, regardless of sexual preference, race, or gender identity.  

Intimate Partner Violence takes many forms.  

Intimate partner violence (IPV) refers to any form of violence (psychological, physical or sexual harm) inflicted by a current or past romantic or sexual partner. The wounds of physical violence are the most visible but psychological and emotional abuse are equally damaging. In many cases, one form of violence is often accompanied by others.  Victims of abuse face a range of negative impacts including lowered self-worth, loss of control over their day-to-day lives, danger to their health and wellbeing, and more.

What does Psychological Abuse look like?

  • Anything that causes emotional pain or injury

  • Uses mental or emotional weapons to attack a partner or diminish their freedoms

  • Emotional abuse can look like: put downs, insults, public humiliation, blaming your partner for things, lying to your partner

  • Spiritual abuse can look like: ridiculing your partner’s spiritual beliefs, preventing your partner from connecting with their spiritual community

  • Financial abuse can look like: stealing money, using credit cards without permission, limiting your partner’s access to finances, making financial decisions without your partner’s consent

  • Controlling behaviours can include: preventing your partner from seeing friends or family members, checking your partner’s social media accounts or phone messages without consent

  • Intimidating behaviours can include: destroying personal property, threats to kill your partner, threats to kill partner’s pets or family members, threats to “out” your partner to family or friends, stalking

What does Physical Abuse look like?

  • Anything that causes physical pain or injury

  • Biting, hitting, shoving, kicking, slapping, choking, hair-pulling

  • Throwing objects or hitting a person with objects

  • Use of a weapon

  • Depraving or restricting a person of basic needs including food, shelter, sleep or medicine

What does Sexual Abuse look like?

  • Can cause both physical or psychological harm

  • Constant physical or verbal pressure to engage in an unwanted sexual act

  • Person is unable to freely give consent (intoxicated from drugs or alcohol, asleep, unconscious, has a mental or physical disability)

  • Person is unable to refuse unwanted sexual acts (threat of physical violence, intimidation, misuse of authority)

  • Power imbalances, misuse of authority, economic coercion, making false promises

  • Taking advantage of someone in a vulnerable situation (minor, immigration status, person in financial need, undisclosed sexual orientation)

  • Forcing a partner to engage in unsafe sex practices

Sexual abuse does not require sexual contact. It can include sending unwanted nudes, filming or taking nude photos of someone without consent, unwanted exposure to pornography, making degrading comments, body shaming, spreading sexual rumours.

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) can lead to negative physical and mental health outcomes

  • Survivors of IPV can experience increased rates of depression, increased mental health diagnoses, increased suicidal ideation, and increased substance use problems

  • IPV has also been linked to increased physical health problems (e.g. high blood pressure, heart disease)

  • IPV may also increase risk of exposure to STIs because negotiating safe sex practices can be hard in a violent or abusive relationship

Know the risks.

The research shows that alcohol intoxication and substance use problems can increase the risk of intimate partner violence. It can also increase sexual risk including engaging in unprotected sex and diminishing your capacity to give consent and protect yourself. Despite these risk factors, remember that abuse is never your fault. It is the only the fault of the abuser.

How can I tell if I’m in a potentially abusive relationship?

One helpful way to assess your current situation is to compare the following relationship factors and what they look like in a healthy relationship vs. an abusive relationship:


RELATIONSHIP FACTOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Sharing Feelings You feel safe and comfortable sharing feelings with your partner. You’re afraid to share your feelings with your partner because of how they may react.
Communication You and your partner listen and respect each other despite differing opinions. Your partner disrespects you, ignores your ideas and doesn’t care about your thoughts and feelings.
Arguments You have arguments but can still talk and work through them respectfully. You’re afraid to argue with your partner because this makes them angry, aggressive or violent.
Intimacy and Sex You both can talk openly about your feelings and needs around sex and physical affection. You don’t feel pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Your partner ignores your needs and wants. You are pressured to do things that make you feel uncomfortable or degrade you.
Trust You trust each other. You’re comfortable with each other spending time with other men or women. Your partner accuses you of having an affair and prevents you from talking to other people.
Alone Time You each value alone time and see this as a component of a healthy relationship. You’re not allowed to spend time alone. Your partner sees this as a threat to your relationship.
Violence You both do your best to not speak harshly or make hurtful comments to each other. There is no physical violence. There is a recurring and increasing pattern of physical violence, sexual violence, emotional abuse and/or intimidation.

Adapted from: Alberta Children Services (2006). Abuse in same-sex and LGBTQ* relationships.

Get Help. Your safety comes first.

How can I get out of an abusive situation?

1.     If you are in immediate danger call 911

2.     Create a safety plan:

  • Tell people you trust. Talk to them about how they can help you be safe.

  • Find a safe place you can go. Look for places that are open 24 hours. If staying with friends of family, don’t plan to go to places where the violent partner may think to look.

  • Memorize emergency numbers. Memorize numbers for police or taxis. Memorize numbers for trusted family members or friends.

  • Prepare a small emergency bag (cash, ID, health care cards, car keys, prescriptions, snacks for a couple hours, etc.) and keep it in a place your partner won’t find.

  • Find out about emergency protection orders. Call 310-1818 (24-hour Family Violence Information Line) or visit www.familyviolence.gov.ab.ca.

How can I support someone in an abusive situation?

1.     Know the signs. Take a look at the characteristics of healthy vs. abusive relationships and also get to know the different types of abuse (physical, sexual, psychological). Have there been any changes in this person? Are they withdrawing from social or family gatherings? Do they have new bruises? Are there changes in their personality?

2.     Recognize that often the person may not know that they are currently living in an abusive situation and they may not want to talk about it.

3.     Find an open door for conversation. Ask questions like “Are you okay?” or “I noticed you have been more withdrawn and seem quite upset. I care about you and want to know if there is anything I can do to help.”

4.     If they open up about their abuse, provide an open ear and encourage them to get help.

Don’ts of helping

Someone who’s been abused

  • Don’t overreact.

  • Don’t criticize or blame the abusive partner.

  • Don’t give advice or suggest what they should do.

 

Do’s of helping

Someone who’s been abused

  • Listen fully and nonjudgmentally.

  • Tell them you believe them and tell them it’s not their fault.

  • Respect their decisions even if you disagree. It takes a lot of courage to leave an abusive relationship.

  • Encourage them to make a safety plan.

  • Ask how you can help. Connect them to local resources.

Barriers to getting help for GBTQ2S+ men

The social context makes it harder to get help for intimate partner violence in LGBTQ2S+ relationships.

  • Social stigma, homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism can make people feel stuck and isolated in abusive LGBTQ2S+ relationships.

  • Past negative experiences with police officers, social services and health providers often prevent LGBTQ2s+ individuals from reporting partner abuse.

  • Many existing resources are geared towards cisgender heterosexual females and service providers may not be informed about how to effectively help LGBTQ individuals.

  • Partners can also use homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism as control or intimidation tactics (i.e. threatening to “out” their partners, telling them the police won’t believe them).

Find help that is a fit for you. Informal supports are invaluable. These might include a circle of close friends or family members you trust. They can help you find a qualified counsellor to talk to. Make sure this person understands intimate partner violence and is LGBTQ2S+ affirmative. If a counsellor is not a good fit for you, there are other options available. Here is a list of some available supports:

Reporting A Crime If you are in an emergency situation call 9-1-1

LGBTQ Sexual Wellness and STI Testing Supports

The Support Network 24-Hour crisis support line 780-482-HELP (4357) 

  • Youth Space

    • Online support network for youth up to 30 years old. Offers compassionate emotional support and crisis intervention over Chat, Text, E-mail Counselling and online forum.

    • Website: www.youthspace.ca

  • Alberta Health Services Important Contacts

    • Health Link: 24/7 Health Advice 8-1-1

    • 24-Hour Mental Health Help Line: 1-877-303-2642

    • Addiction Services Helpline: 1-866-332-2322

    • Further information: https://myhealth.alberta.ca/

      • Health information and tools, emergency room wait times, patient care handouts 

  • Inclusive Counselling & Consulting Psychological Services Inc. (ICC Psych)

    • Counselling services from registered psychologists who specialize in working with sexual and gender minority children, youth, adults and families

    • E-mail: iccpsychservies@gmail.com

    • Website: www.iccpsych.com

    • Phone: 780-424-0783

  • Drop in Single Session Counselling

    • Free, professional, private, confidential and LGBTQ friendly counselling offered across nine different locations in Edmonton

    • E-mail: info@dropinyeg.ca

    • Website: www.dropinyeg.ca

    • Phone: 2-1-1

  • The Family Centre of Edmonton

    • LGBTQ friendly organization which offers single session counselling or goal-oriented counselling sessions.

    • Location: #20, 9912 106 Street NW, Edmonton, AB Canada T5K 1C5

    • Phone: 780-900-5934

    • Website: https://www.the-family-centre.com/

  • Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton

    • Offers individual and group counselling free of charge to anyone who has experienced sexual abuse, sexual assault and sexual harassment.

    • Location: Suite 205, 14964-121 Avenue, Edmonton, AB T5V 1A3

    • E-mail: info@sace.ca

    • Website: https://www.sace.ca

    • 24 Hour Support Line: 780-423-4121

References

Alberta Children Services (2006). Abuse in same-sex and LGBTQ* relationships. http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/NCN1375-abuse-in-same-sex-LGBTQ-relationships-booklets.pdf

Brieding, M.J., Basile, K.C., Smith, S.G., Black, M.C., Mahendra, R.R. (2015). Intimate partner violence surveillance: uniform definitions and recommended data elements (2nd ed.). National Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Houston, E., & McKirnan, D.J. (2007). Intimate partner abuse among gay and bisexual men: Risk correlates and health outcomes. Journal of Urban Health, 84(5), 681-690.

St. Pierre, M., & Senn, C.Y. (2010). External barriers to help-seeking encountered by Canadian gay and lesbian victims of intimate partner abuse: An application of the barriers model. Violence and victims, 25(4), 536-522.    

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The QTHC is based in Amiskwaciwâskahikan (ᐊᒥᐢᑲᐧᒋᐋᐧᐢᑲᐦᐃᑲᐣ) within Treaty 6 territory, a traditional meeting ground and home of the Nêhiyaw (Cree), Denesuliné (Dene), Nahkawininiwak (Saulteaux), Niitsítapi (Blackfoot), and Îyârhe Nakoda (Nakota Sioux), as well as nations not represented by the treaty, and is located in Region 4 of the Métis Nation of Alberta. We commit to engaging in an ongoing process of decolonization, and will strive to conduct our work in an anti-oppressive and anti-racist way, working towards equity, empowerment, and inclusion for all Two Spirit, queer, trans, and non-binary people.